Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
And then he peed in my hair
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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