Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
