just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He shit in the fireplace
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
