peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
