I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
