It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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