Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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