This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I touched a dick in church today
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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