You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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