Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
