I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
