its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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