Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize