i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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