True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
