Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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