My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
