We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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