i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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