I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
