Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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