Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
