Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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