I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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