tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
