I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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