I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I am spending my child support on dildos
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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