Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Mom said you looked used
You have to summon your inner elephant
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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