got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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