.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
