I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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