I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
