sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
