Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
