I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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