I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
