I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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