i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize