Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
