return my video game
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
