There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
