I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
