he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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