That's when you crack a 10am beer
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
