I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
