Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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