im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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