life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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