I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
