Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
