Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
