11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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