I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
