if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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