My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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