her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
