If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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