ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize