Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
